It was easy to trust that she knew what she was doing because it was her way of life every minute of every day. 

Colette's Mom:

Colette has identified as a girl since she was 2, old enough to talk.  She said all the now-classic things:  “I AM a GIRL, not a boy – it’s a mistake”;   “I am a boy on the outside but a girl in my heart.”  etc.  She did not dwell on the incongruity though. For for the most part, there wasn’t active dysphoria.  It was more like – this isn’t right but oh well.

As a younger child – and even now to a degree – she just took it in stride that her body was one way and her gender identity was another.  It didn’t bother her at all to be wearing a pink princess dress with people using male pronouns and her male-affiliated birth name.

With communication came clear and strong preferences for media, clothes and toys that were “typical” girl things.  We followed her lead for the most part which was easy enough to do in a socially progressive place like the Bay Area.  Kids generally accepted her and adults, for the most part, either didn’t comment or would opine that “all kids go through phases”.

Once she was preschool age – 3 ish  - it was clear to us though, how deeply ingrained her gender identity was.  Our house was strewn with Barbies and “my little ponies”, the bathtub full of mermaids of every variety.   Nightgowns were the only acceptable sleep attire and her little brother was forced to watch hours of Disney Princess movies.  Shopping was easy because the boy section was off-limits entirely.  It was not only her choice of  “girl” presentation/play that was affirming but everything about her exuded feminine  - in a way that was undeniable.

Preschool educators and other parents made a point of relating stories about how young kids experiment with gender and try on  different identities;  we heard SO many times that  “playing dress-up is “normal”.”  Even though we tried to be balanced in supporting our happy and active preschooler, we knew at a gut level that Colette was not experimenting.  While she loved to be fancy and would go to the dress-up corner every time over other play, she was really “dressing UP” – as in, putting on fancy girl clothes in the way any little girl likes to sparkle.  She would put them on and not take them off.   It wasn’t that she was experimenting with how she looked like a girl – she was dressing up because that is what girls do.

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It was easy to trust that she knew what she was doing because it was her way of life every minute of every day. She didn’t waver, didn’t dance back and forth didn’t ever try to be someone she wasn’t.

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It was when she was three that we started our research into gender identity and were fortunate to find like families in our area and a nascent movement of support.   Once connected with these families things really fell into place for us.   It was amazing to validate what we had been feeling that the gender incongruence was serious and important – and that there were other kids like her.

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I think when Colette was little, it was a constant stressor for us knowing that her outward presentation, name, and inner self didn’t all align.  We wanted to provide as much room as possible for her to bend and move and be who she was.  We tried to avoid labels and were really cautious about looking out for her in every new situation; calling the adults ahead to explain what they would see, hanging out when she played with new friends to help answer questions, etc.   We still are always anxious about how the world will treat her – her trans-ness is on our minds daily.  But she passes easily as female and now with her dress, name, pronouns, and social world aligned as female, there is less constant anxiety and we aren’t on constant high alert.   

Everyone we know has been incredibly supportive.  However, it has taken people different amounts of time to get really comfortable with the issue – depending on age, geography, and their exposure/enlightenment around gender and sexuality.  Older generations find it harder to understand.  One grandparent has been stodgy about changing name/pronoun but is otherwise warm.